The past twelve months have brought changes to our way of life that we would never have imagined only a few years ago. Things we once took for granted are no longer guaranteed: free checked bags on Southwest Airlines, Canada winning Olympic Hockey tournaments and snow falling in Denver during the winter.
Perhaps the only constant left is that each year on Purim, the Ramah in the Rockies team announces at least three bold initiatives designed to further our ever-evolving mission and further cement our reputation as one of the most innovative and strange Jewish educational institutions in the country!
Fleishig Firs
t Future
For years we burdened you with words like “sustainability,” “organic,” and “vegetarian.” We proudly served family-style meals on actual plates. We explained, at length, why our kosher kitchen was designed primarily for dairy, with meat relegated to the grills outside. We spoke passionately about environmental stewardship and the health benefits of plant-based eating.
It was a beautiful era, and it is now over.
In January, the nation’s chief contrarian, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., announced from the White House that we’ve been wrong to focus on eating our plant based diet. According to the new federal guidelines, what our bodies crave is animal-based protein, and LOTS of it.
At first, we thought that our chief scientist was giving his own Purim Torah, albeit a few months early. When we realized that he was serious, we knew we had to act. We’ve never been one to lag behind with the latest fad diet. To live up to RFK’s bold nutritional vision, we are proud to announce our transition to a protein-forward institution!
We are calling it our Fleishig First Future™.
This summer our kitchen will be fully re-kashered for expanded meat dining, and we are planning upgrades including:
- A shechita room with a full-time shochet (ritual slauterer)
- An indoor smoker in the chadar ochel (dining hall)
- A commercial rotisserie oven
- A brisket-aging chamber
And since Shabbat is the pinnacle of the week, then Shabbat foods should have even more protein. If Dunkin’ can fortify a donut and Frito-Lay can fortify a chip, then surely we can fortify bread. This summer we’ll debut our new High-Protein Beefsteak Challah, now with 16 grams of protein per slice and a faint aftertaste of ambition (look for the at-home mix in your grocer’s baking aisle this fall!).
For those who want to keep it vegan until 10:00 am, our new breakfast smoothie bar will offer parve protein additives in oat, soy, hemp, and other spiritually-curated milks.
Our New Water Feature
After years of planning, we have finally finished our retention pond. Costing over $1.2 million and covering the hillside in front of our Pardes T’filah, it is a site to behold.
Unfortunately, due to the ongoing drought in Colorado, it is unlikely we are going to be able to circulate much water through the pond. Without much water in the pond, bacteria levels will be too high for safe recreation. (This is true: our contractor warned us that if people try swimming in the pond this season, we would “become a weight loss camp” 😬.)
We also know that our chalutzim (campers) are not ones to shy away from a challenge, and even with a fence some will try to find a way to use the pond as a mikvah or a place to cool off on a hot shabbat afternoon.
Then Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office presented a solution! An alligator farm outside Golden, CO is closing its doors, so next month we will receive five alligators, some measuring over 8 feet, who will take up residence in our new pond. They will be fed a steady diet of ethically-sourced road kill, and if our neighbor’s cows wander onto our property, they will enjoy farm-to-table options as well.
Most importantly, the presence of these alligators will fit into our broader ethos of challenge by choice. No camper will ever be forced to go near the water’s edge–indeed, we will have a chain link fence around the pon
d to contain the gators. However, any camper who wishes to pursue alligator proximity as part of their tzmicha ishit (personal growth) journey may do so.
By mid-season we hope to offer optional alligator wrestling as a peulat erev (evening program)!
Monetizing an Abundant Asset
Because our chava (ranch) operates three months a year but incurs twelve months of expenses, we have searched for additional revenue streams. With abundant sunshine, open land, and a freezing aquifer below, we realized we were sitting on untapped potential.
As we watched the wave of investment in data centers sweep rural areas, we knew that we too had to get in on the action. After weeks of negotiation, we have signed an agreement with Microsoft to install a new 100,000 square foot data center in Ramah Valley!
Although it will completely obscure the mountain views, our consultants assure us that the 24-hour buzz of servers will be a soothing lullaby at night.
Not only will this data center help our bottom line, but it also will allow us to run a brand new activity that we’ve wanted to provide for years – cryptocurrency mining!
Given the popularity of our regular mining chug, this was a natural next step. Chalutzim will have the opportunity to work in the data center in 12-hour shifts, learning about the blockchain and helping mine new bitcoin, from which Ramah in the Rockies will get a 15% cut.
It’s a win for Microsoft, as we will be helping them cement their status in the S&P 500 for the next generation; a win for our chalutzim, as they will learn the skills to go directly into the highly stable career of crypto-investing; and a win for us as we will finally have 12 months of revenue to support the functioning of the ranch.
Bags Don’t Fly Free Anymore
In light of Southwest Airlines’ decision to charge for checked bags and seat assignments, we realized something profound:
We, too, have been under-monetizing our product and should be charging for seating. And we know no one likes to pay fees, so we’re also introducing our new Chase® Ramah Signature Timber Visa and Chase® and Ramah Alpine Platinum Visa.
Our new seating tiers in the chadar ochel (dining hall):
- Standard seating (near friends): $15 per meal
- Premium seating (closest to refills): $25 per meal
And two new options during teffilot (prayers) in the Ohel Moed:
- Front row seating: we’ll pay you
- Back row seating: open to cardmembers only (Alpine Platinum cardmembers, exclusively, are also exempt from scolding for whispering to their friends)
Signature Timber cardmembers enjoy a free airport shuttle bag, a water bottle upon landing at Denver International Airport, and 3% cash back from the swag store.
Alpine Platinum cardmembers enjoy those benefits as well as complimentary chadar ochel seat selection, express masa gear checkout, and a voucher for one anaf (elective activity) switch per summer.
Conclusion
While little of what we wrote above is serious, Purim is our annual reminder that we must stop to make a point of being silly and laughing at ourselves.
Behind the satire lies something steady: our commitment to building a kehillah kedosha (holy community) rooted in simcha (joy), tzmicha ishit (personal growth, sans alligators), and preparing the next generation to build wisely, even when the landscape shifts beneath them.
We can’t wait to welcome our chalutzim back to the chava soon – with regular challah.
Chag Purim Sameach!
–The Ramah in the Rockies Team